My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
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When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.