My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
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Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.