My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
You Might Also Like
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I can’t stop laughing at this
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier