If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
You Might Also Like
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.