My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
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Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Breaking news:
if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*