My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
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Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Asking people “is it a chapter book?” When they tell me what they’re reading
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office