@mommajessiec

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

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@stephenjmolloy

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

@dumbbeezie

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

@Tommytoughstuff

[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*

@NuclearBavarian

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

@TheBoydP

All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.

@PickleRudd

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

@JRevard

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

@EricGoldie

I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack.

@Ygrene

In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes

@PaperWash

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana