Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
B: They. I mean they
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
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Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana