@mommajessiec: My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
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@TheHyyyype: When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they're unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
@yaboydil: [In elevator] Penguin: what floor do you want? Man: 5th please. *penguin accidentally slaps all the buttons with his fin*
@ronleibach: GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard! A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.