My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
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I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.