my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
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Stop being $50 to eat, food.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter