Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mad Max Arctic Road

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

“All you can control is yourself,” I told myself as though I’d never seen my Mastercard statement

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

this site is so cooked lol

Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.

9: I want a hug

Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”

I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀

I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.

Friend: You’re being dramatic.

Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.

F: Seriously?

Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.

girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

How to parallel park:

1) Park somewhere else.

Therapist: what do we do when we are angry?
Me: we yell at people and then apologise later
Therapist: what do you need me for?

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.