Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

That’s amazing.

For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

Bringing home a sharpie

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile

Based Erika

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

Every wedding video you’ve ever seen

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

[climbing inside trojan horse]

general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!