My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
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I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
Yes
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.