I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
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ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
“How often do you floss?”
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels