@bananagrvyrd: My DNA results came back and apparently I'm .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I've ever had. About anything.
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@thatdutchperson: [blind date] Her: so what do you do for fu.. Me: I'M 34 IF YOU DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I'M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
@BatBatshitcrazy: Shout out to my neighbors for the 2:00 am fireworks; I hope you enjoyed my 7:00 am weed whacking.
@Bluestmoon_: I love waking up next to you, I say as I roll over and gently kiss my bag of Doritos
@FeralCrone: When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”