My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
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Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.
Fiibuster Rhymes.
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
