My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
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Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
What the hell is going on?
a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.