My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
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The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I snorted all the lines i was supposed to read between
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
Real bees work best
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.