My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
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What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?