My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
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I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
My daughter has an arch nemesis and I recently found a list of ideas she titled “get even”, and while we’re gonna have to rule out “eat his lunch” and “glue his hair” I think we can work with “beat him at football”
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
incredible
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Limited budget
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too