My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
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“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?