My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
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*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Can. I. Help. You.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
We cut our bangs at dawn.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.