Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!

Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross

Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis

she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza

Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it

Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.

THERAPIST: That’s horrible.

ME: Yeah.

THERAPIST:

ME:

THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.