My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
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Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
lmaaaaaooooooooo
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
I am patiently waiting for your email
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.