Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.

Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.

How it started How it’s going

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

{First Day at FedEx}

me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away

manager: wow you’re a natural

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.

Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”

My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.

Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?

*entire restaurant gasps*

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

Her: What are you thinking about right now?

Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss

Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.

Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.