My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
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Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror