My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
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Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*