My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
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In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer