my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
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Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
At least try to make it slightly believable
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.