my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
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you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth