my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
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Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
🤣dope
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
🤭😂
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Be the lemon you want the world to hand you.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?