my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
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KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75