my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
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Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)