Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.

My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

I’d … I’d rather not.

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooom!

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.

A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive

friend: flirting how?

me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

Always…

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?