My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
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Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Why is no one talking about this?!
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED