Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.

HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this

HIM: you should probably get tested

HER: lol it’s not that bad

HIM: i have chlamydia

I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends

Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

brain: bored

me: lots of stuff to do

brain: tired

me: resting is also good

brain: stressed

me: alright man

fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is

scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask

fred: really no idea who it is

scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–

fred: just no way to know

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner

I apologise if I offended you.

And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

🤣🤣🤣

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.