Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

My little girl will never have daddy issues.

But her future boyfriends will.

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

Lady in the park:

Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion

Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.