Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

I ordered mushrooms on my pizza.

When do they kick in?

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all

I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]

Bruce: Viagra!

Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-

Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!

Dr: Ok

*Bruce Dies…Hard*

Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.

Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

ㅤ

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click