My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
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I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.