God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
Wolf: d-do I have to?
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
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[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Me: Wake up son!
Son: Just 30 more minutes please
Me: I’m borrowing your phone
Son jumps of the bed: I’m awake!
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
M: hows it herpin?
M: I have herpes
If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.
According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.
Political analyst said the way to defeat ISIS is to cripple them financially so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.