@bea_ker

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

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@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a pack animal.

Wolf: what does that mean?

God: it means you live with other wolves.

Wolf: like all the time?

God: yep!

Wolf: d-do I have to?

God:

Wolf:

God:

Wolf: [slides $20 across table].

God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.

Wolf: yay : )

@Miniwheats2012

Me: Wake up son!

Son: Just 30 more minutes please

Me: I’m borrowing your phone

Son jumps of the bed: I’m awake!

@GoldenSpirals

The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.

@goodbeanalt

[at the cheesecake factory]

me: I will have the cheesecake

waiter: okay

@maisondecris

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

@__candypants

If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.

@ryaninco

According to my cholesterol level I’m a pizza.

@amishschool

Political analyst said the way to defeat ISIS is to cripple them financially so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.