My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
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*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
My sex drive has a dui
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels