My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
You Might Also Like
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*