My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
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Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”