Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

went to a dinner last night and we are struggling

[Funeral]

Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today

Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!

[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player

Times when calories don’t count:

1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner

2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack

3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot

4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting

black phone good

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

My current situation

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.

The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.