My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
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To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.