My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
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*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
if I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about