My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
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we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it