My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
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dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.