My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
You Might Also Like
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
how high up are we talkin’?
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.