My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
You Might Also Like
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.