My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
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Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Cold.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*