Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*

HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?

ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

lol

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

me: can you empty the dishwasher please

9: what? What do you mean?

me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.