My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
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Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.