My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
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plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
new year update: losing everything but weight
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Sign at work today
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.