Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.

I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?

I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.

(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

HERE’S MARKY

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]

omg this is gonna hurt

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.