My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
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Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
accurate
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win