My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
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I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.