My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
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Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer