My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
You Might Also Like
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
LOL
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
