My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
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My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.