My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
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I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms