My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
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Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]