Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again

King’s horses:

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond

Doctor: how do you stay active?

Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?

no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

Battle of the bird feeder

Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678

Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.

COP: where were u between 1 and 2

ME: in a diaper

COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night

ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk

Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?