my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
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furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
I’m putting together a team
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything