my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
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The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
what do you want!!!!!!!!
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*