Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

Trying

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

[asteroid destroys earth]

God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

I think about this a lot

My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

Doctor: I have good news and bad news

Me: What’s the good news?

Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way

Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?

Me neither.

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”