My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
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me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
*launders Kohls cash*
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.