Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.

I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

Yup.

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.

One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”

15: “ya”

Me: “What colour’d you use?”

15: “I used orange.”

Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”

– mac n cheese has it’s own language.

Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?

My husband: Not really

Me: You’re not very perceptive

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.