My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
This kid is going places
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
