My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
what day is it?
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
#Caturday
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
