My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
