My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
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“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
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(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
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Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.