Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.

Sincerely,
hawks

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school

[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor

Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”

Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”