My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
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*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Stop it! 😂
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
s
oc
i
a
l
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.