My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
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[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Bear knowledge
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.